To My Unborn Child: For Your Adult Years, Concerning Friendships And The Mistakes You Have Made


Dear Olivia,

I thank God for you.  I wanted you to know, that one of the greatest gifts that I have ever received was the wisdom of older women.  I know when you are young, and going through hard times, you would rather talk with women your age because you think that only they would understand.  But the truth is, wisdom only comes from experience and you only learn “fruitful” lessons from your failures and regrets.  Sometimes, those lessons are too late in life for the person who has learned them but they can be a precious road map for those that come after them.  Now, I wish, with all my heart that I could spare you from making some of the mistakes that I have made, or the hardships that I have gone through, but as surely as the sun will rise each day, there will be lessons that God wants to teach you on His own.  But in his graciousness, he allows us to also help each other.  I am writing these letters to help you, in hopes that when you reach this place in your life, where I am today, that you would not feel hopeless in your struggles.

I wonder what you will be like.  Will you be a tender, vulnerable flame like your mother, who can light up a room and bring comfort in dark times but if left unattended can destroy all that is in her path?  I ask that, because if you are reading this, in the midst of a mistake that you have made, or hearts that you have broken in friendships, know that there is at least one other person who understands you.

 Here is what I have to say about the confusion that you must feel.  In my experiences, I have learned that I am a good person, who has hurt many people in my attempts to protect myself from being hurt first.  I am a hurt person, who has failed to recognize God’s faithfulness to love and care for me, and as a result, have been fighting in vain.  Nevertheless, I am a fighter, who has a desire to overcome my failures, and to befriend and encourage other women to do the same.  That, my dear, is more important than all the rest.

Just the other day, I thanked God for an unusual thing.  I thanked him for making me with the flaws that I have, especially those that concern my personality, because in these imperfections I never have to look into the mirror and wonder if I am his child.  You see, when you look at nature, with all it’s wonders, it is not hard to imagine the creator because you can see the leaps and bounds of his creativity.  You can imagine him stepping back from a piece of work, like an artist, coming to that moment of completion and being satisfied.

But have you noticed that in this world there is both dark and light?  There are bountiful forests and just as well, deserts that stretch for miles, and he thought it all GOOD at the moment of His completion.  And so, looking at ourselves, or rather into ourselves, it is not hard to find the distinctions between dark and light, forest and deserts…good and evil.  We know what is our strengths and we resent our weakness and flaws, but I thanked God for them all.  Not because I am the happy go lucky type, but because who I am, is very consistent with his design.  It is because I have both, the beauty and the flaws, the good heart and the inner struggles that lets me know that I am His.  His signature style, or rather, his distinct handwriting that is like no other can be found in the His completion of me, and he thought it to be GOOD.  You must think of yourself this way Olivia, even in the mistakes that you have made.

In our life time we are subject to make many mistakes and in relationships we are bound to make many failed attempts before we get it right.  My wish for you is that you will never give up, and settle for a life of loneliness and destitute because of this and that you would not become bitter, and refuse those new opportunities to be loved and befriended that will come into your life. I have seemed to struggled with friendships my whole life and it is only now, at 30 years old that I am beginning to learn some “fruitful lessons”.

On a very personal note, one constant struggle that I have discovered in my life is not wanting to let go of people, who were only meant to be there for a season.  I have made the mistake of not trusting God to be faithful and replace those relationships with what or whom I really needed.   And so, I have been fighting for people’s attention, for their concern and company, out of desperation and fear of what would be left for me when they were gone.  But the older I get, the more I see that the world’s way is truly backwards and the word of God is right.  All these things that I was trying to store up for me, has not been worth while.  They have been no more than an ongoing battle to try and sustain a thing, and feel approved by a thing that has very little value at all.  The effort has been futile like holding on to grains of sand.

This might surprise you but this has not been better than facing a hurt, falling into broken places and being restored by the love of God, because it is He that comforts you with a love that can be sustained and he has many ways of reaching out to you.  For me often times, he has loved me through an unexpected friend, whom I would have over looked if I had not been broken.  And that friend has become everything that I needed and more.

See Olivia, what I’m trying to say to you is this.  Sometimes the more we fight to be loved and accepted by other people the more we struggle.  I have learned that it is better to put relationships into God’s hands, and be sad or lonely for a while, and seek his face, than put on your armor and go to battle for disappointments and unmet expectations.  This is where I have failed many times in my life and it is because I have not trusted in God’s faithfulness to supply for my needs that I have been fighting in vain.

My advice to you is this.  Forgive yourself for the mistakes that you have made, the friendships that have fallen through and the disappointments that have come.  Take some time to remember who you really are,  the good things, the right intentions, the times when you have succeeded in being a blessing to others, and meditate on these things.  Identify yourself in these memories, even if people disagree, or you have disappointed them.  Remember if they will not have you, there is someone out there in need of a woman like you and you can still do plenty of good when the next opportunity should come.

Now! With what you have gained when the storm has passed, boldly take a step forward!  Make a vow to yourself that in the future, you will honor new relationships with different choices and new levels of trust in God.  Allow the Father to work in you to become mature in areas where you struggle and keep that desire to overcome the insecurities that hinder you, or rather make you afraid of loving the way that He commands.
If you are anything like me, I imagine that this sounds all well and good but there are memories that ail you, even as you read this, in your broken place.  Release it to God.  Step into your prayer closet and allow yourself to be totally honest before him.  Tell him your disappointments and ask for strength to endure.  Cease fighting and receive the rest that will come.  Give it time... And in the morning, be faithful enough to get out of bed and face the day.  Little by little you will see your life become fruitful again.

One thing is for sure, you can never claim that your mother was never in your shoes!!  I love you with all my heart.  And am praying for you, even before I have met you.

With faith and love,

Tanisha