To My Unborn Child: For Your Adult Years, Concerning The Pain That You Experience and What You Must Come to Realize

My Dearest Olivia,

God sent me this revelation and I had to hurry and write it down…   

To begin with, I need you to know that I have spent many seasons being angry at God because of the circumstances in my life.  Well, this morning one question invaded my thoughts.  It said Tanisha, it is a given that you have been struggling and wrestling with God, but your pain is clearly from distrust.  When was the moment that you stopped trusting Him?  And I answered myself in a gut wrenching wail, I stopped trusting Him when I started believing that He was the one that was causing my pain…

Can you image God with the heart of a mother, taking His child to get shots for a vaccine?  He looks upon His child with knots in His stomach knowing of what pain awaits her, but also knowing that it is what has to be done.  He knows from the beginning that the child will not understand.  He knows that a shot to Him would certainly not be as traumatic but to tiny arms, and a small mind, it could crush her world.  He knows that for the first time, the child might look to Him and feel betrayed, wondering why, a person that had always protected her, stepped aside in this instance and allowed this to happen.  He knows and is concerned about this before any action ever takes place.

And then when the child receives the shot, she is in incredible pain and discomfort.  Not only did she witness the needle driving in, but now her body is sore, and has remnants of the traumatic moment, that reoccurs, every time she tries to move away from the pain.  It hurts even, to reach out to Him.   And the Lord, He watches all these things occur knowing that this is a moment where He fights himself to remain hands off.  He can speak comfort to her and promise to never leave but He could not prevent her from feeling this pain.  Not if this pain is what will ultimately guarantee her life to come…   

I have heard so many mothers speak about the battle of that gut wrenching cry of their children vs. fighting themselves not to intervene too much and end up spoiling them.  So imagine God when He looks down upon His children and sees them fighting through their confusion, and the mistakes they have made, their self-loathing, and fantasies of escape, the shadows in their closet and the unmet expectations of their life.   Imagine God fighting Himself to not pick you up every time you demanded Him too with your tears.   Imagine Him fighting this knowing that these tears would eventually turn to anger towards Him. 

But what kind of father would He be otherwise.   What if He could not stand to make the hard choices for your life?  What if He did not have the stomach for parenthood and just yielded to your every whim, despite its leading to your demise?   What if He was not strong enough to say no today for yeses tomorrow?  What if He was not wise enough to invest in your future in this way?

And then another revelation came to me and sobered me.  Either you believe in the God of the bible and all His characteristics or you do not.  If you believe that God so loved the world that He gave His Son… then how could you deny the weight that He bares in the cost of being a Father?

And then came along another thought.  How would we know of emotions, had they not first had an origin to begin with?  Who is the expert on the pain that you feel? Who has experienced the highs and lows of the human condition since time began?  Who else but the Lord?  He surely knows the pain of rejection.  He knows about having a strong desire for a loved one’s life but instead ends up loving them through a downward spiral.  He knows the most about loving someone unconditionally.  Not as a young man loves a young woman, but like a long suffering spouse who is continually hurt and disappointed by their mate and still night after night rushes in to tend to their wounds.   And holds them in His arms when they are tired from wrestling with the consequences of their affairs. 

Oh Olivia, I constantly forget that this tight grasp that the Lord has on my life is not meant to harm me but to keep me from it.  And to keep me from squandering my spirit, which is a thing that this world cannot give but can surely take away.  I have heard my mother say many times to her grandchildren.  “You’ll just have to be mad.  Go in the room and cry then” because there was no way she would ever allow her heart and soul, the children of her own children, things that would cause them harm or lead them to destruction. 

So baby girl, when you feel like God is not listening.  When you are wondering why He has allowed bad things to happen in your life.  Or when you feel like He does not understand your pain.  Think again.  You know nothing about the sacrifices that He has made for you.  You know nothing about how His heart yearns to see that you are taken care of.  

One thing is for sure you can never claim that your mother was never in your shoes!!  I love you with all my heart.  And am praying for you, even before I have met you!!

With faith and love,

Tanisha Nichole Wright

To My Unborn Child: For Your Adult Years, Concerning Your Brown Skin And The Hardships You Will Face

My Dearest Olivia,

Here are some truths about these letters that you may not realize.  One, is that most of these messages begin in a broken place.  A place where I have finally come, when I can no longer carry the burdens of my life or deny myself the time for tears.  The second truth is that when I write to you, it is often wisdom that comes from deep within, after many failed attempts of looking to others for hope.  But how can others give you hope if they do not understand the desperation of your situation?

I asked myself a question this morning that gives one of the hardest answers that you might face in your life time.  Who can understand being a black woman, accept for another black woman?  Who knows our struggles or cares to talk about them?  Who believes them when we express ourselves?  Who knows the insults or the loneliness?  Who knows the amount of courage and perseverance that it takes to keep your head up.  Who knows the amount of grace that is needed… aside from another black woman.  Let me be frank and tell you the ways of the world, and how you must stand if you mean to survive it.

Your education on beauty and self-worth will be made of half-truths, meaning that the color of your skin, the natural kink of your hair, the shape of your body or even the ways of your heart may go unrecognized or despised for many seasons.  And it will be up to you to develop eyes to see your own beauty.  Not just in yourself but in your sisters that are like you.

Your education on life will be unlike your peers, meaning you may have to learn how to defend yourself early.  You may have to be strong and independent in times that are unfair.  You may have to live in an environment that is against you in every way.  But here me when I say, that you must be like a flower growing in a dark place.   Take in what ever light is around you and let people be inspired, wondering how you ever bloomed in such conditions.

Your education on identity will be unsettling, when you find that you never quite fit in anywhere.  Not even among those women that are like you, as our community has not yet embraced the meaning of unity or loyalty.  And in new environments you may learn to adapt but the issues and ideals of the heart can never be fully perceived by those who have not walked in your shoes. In those instances, you must accept that you are a unique individual in which God has chosen to carry and be a steward of many burdens.  It is honorable that you have been thought to have that much strength and according to this, you should never doubt that your life holds much significance!

Your education on love will be horrendous if you are not careful.   You will see and hear things that constantly wound your soul, this includes your male counter-part, as he struggles to find his place as well.  The world will make you feel like you are undeserving.  The responsibility of love is explained best in the words of the savior.  If your father and I should fail you, run to him to set the record straight.  Never-ever attempt to love without understanding.  Let your friends and peers do as they will, but you, Olivia, preserve yourself and seek understanding!

I write all this not to discourage you but to make you a promise, that in light of all these things that I will be the first to fall in love with your brown skin.  I will begin a bold ripple in your life that I hope flows through out your days.  I have developed the eyes to recognize your beauty and I deeply care about your struggles on this earth.  I know them well and have not been so discouraged that I did not still desire to find beauty for these ashes given to me.

Let me tell you some things about brown skin that I have discovered.  1) You can teach others to see your beauty once you have defined it for yourself.  2) Dark skin makes a bright smile brighter.  3)You are the color of nature that represents warmth, growth, shelter and deep roots.  4)  All the colors of flowers look good on you! 5)Your hair is interchangeable.  It can be styled or used as protection from the sun.  It can represent power or spirituality.  It can go into any environment and be accepted.  Your hair can be like art or a crown.  But without the natural kink, you would have none of this!  6) Your body is the prototype for love and nurture.  7) Your curves are like great mountains and valleys, a part of nature that never ceases to amaze!  8) Your heart has the capacity to endure great burdens and love deeply because of your experience with hardship and rejection.  So how much more can you be used to love those who are hurting.  9) God feels a black woman’s prayer.   10) God sends many surrogates.  He understands and will bring to your life those things you are missing.  You may feel alone, but He will never let you fend for yourself.

One thing is for sure, you can never claim that your mother was never in your shoes!!  I love you with all my heart.  And am praying for you, even before I have met you.

With faith and Love,

Tanisha Nichole Wright

To My Unborn Child: For Your Adult Years, Concerning Your Love Life and the Dilemma of Singleness

Dear Sweet Olivia,

You must understand by now that I am writing you these letters merely in faith, during a time in my life when you are but a desire in my heart.  It may seem strange to hear that I spent almost all of my twenties feeling indifferent about mothering a child, until one year out of the blue the Lord caused me to dream of you.  In the dream I held you in my arms and I felt a deep connection that I did not understand.  I knew that it was not just a romantic notion of “mother and child” because I felt the strangest feeling, like I had known you and loved you before I had met you.  It is the very reason why I end each letter saying so.

I had another dream where you were still in my womb, and I would stand in the mirror and talk to you, myself and God.  I suppose that this is where the letters began, my speaking outwardly at first, to the only people that it concerned.  I knew your father too, but even in the dream he was still a stranger to me.  There was a guarantee on my heart that he was out there somewhere and that he would be with us, when the time was right.  But the truth is, even in my dreams, I was still waiting to meet you both.

Perhaps this is the way with God given desires, that is, to begin with the conversation in your heart and prepare you, long before He begins the work in your life.  The hardest part is holding on to that promise, while you trudge through every season longing for it.  Some seasons you feel isolated and in others you have been tested to no avail.  There are some seasons where you have become weary with sewing, but can no longer fathom the reaping.  You are just waiting, and longing and are hidden from the world.

The only thing that I have come to understand is that God has asked me to trust him.  He has asked me to remain in solitude and become strong.  If anyone tells me to go, then I should not listen.  It is only when I hear His voice that I should change course.  I am to stay on the path.

I want you to know that this has been the fight of my life, being still despite all that I see around me.  I am bombarded every day with lies and propaganda.  Sometimes society says to me, falling in love and being cherished by someone can make you happy and give you self-worth.  Other times society does not have time for love and cuts to the chase, saying that sex and titles are what I need.  There are a countless amount of subliminal messages that cloud my mind daily, claiming the supposed “dilemma” of a single person.  Everything at once is trying to force me to move, but God himself has told me to wait.

I want you to know that I get down hearted about being single more often than I would like to admit.  I sometimes think of the possibilities in the past that might have worked, if only my standards were not so high, or if I would have stuck it out, even though I knew I was settling.  But I have learned after a few sleepless nights that this is yet another trap.

My thoughts that I wish to express to you is this.  Whenever I feel discouraged in waiting, I have to go back to that which set me on the path.  There was always a desire in my heart that wanted something better than the brokenness and regrets that I saw other girls face as they blindly rushed in. I wanted to find a man that truly cared for me; I wanted to find a man as special as I believed myself to be.

I was very young when I made that decision, and the only problem was that I had made no plans for becoming whole for that special someone that I wanted to meet!  I did not realize that it was a two way street and that I had to become the type of woman that would also meet those high standards that I demanded from a man.  Those standards have nothing to do with physical looks, or larger than life personalities.  They have everything to do with understanding love and personal sacrifice for the good of another.  Things in which I never would have learned, if I did not continue on the path as God had instructed me.  Yes, the path might include a little struggle but the fruit that it produces is priceless.  And being this far into it now, I would never trade it, or dare attempt to love someone, especially you, without the knowledge that I have gained.

I have told you before that the Lord puts us on many different paths according to His will.  Some people have to learn as they go and some people have to prepare.  If God instructs you to prepare, no matter what the world tells you, do as He says.  It is for your own good.  In waiting, you have time to taste the fruits of life and to stop and smell the roses!  You have time to explore and to travel, freely and without obligation.  You have time to pursue your passions and your dreams without being apologetic.  And by the time you have done all this, you will have love and experience bursting out of your heart, for yourself and your life, to give to others that will enter there after.

But in the mean time, do not be afraid to be alone for a season or two.  If you are able to overcome your feelings of despair you will develop a sound mind.  You can learn many things about yourself.  Oh Olivia, there is a richness that is added to your life when you understand how unique and valuable you are according to God’s purpose for you.  This will teach you a healthier love for your mate when he does come, as you will learn to depend on God and not another person for happiness or self worth, thus freeing you to be more unselfish in love.

Do yourself this favor and seek not the advice of your friends, or some silly love column.  Do not even spend too much time reading Christian books on love, and help-meets or try to become anything other than what you are.  Instead be like a child.  Become friends with the Lord and have no cares in this world.  The Lord will lead you to blessing after blessing, until you stumble upon the promise.  Let this letter, as you read it, become proof to my words, as I write all of this to you, standing on His word!

One thing is for sure, you can never claim that your mother was never in your shoes!!  I love you with all my heart.  And am praying for you, even before I have met you.

With faith,

Tanisha Nichole Wright

To My Unborn Child: For Your Adult Years, Concerning Your Identity and the Path You Should Choose

The more I write these letters, the more I feel as if they are a time capsule to be discovered after so many years have passed, when I am your “mother” and you are my “daughter” but there are no traces of the young woman I used to be and no evidence that I have ever felt the way you felt, or thought the way you think.  I hope to preserve that part of myself that is still searching and forming conclusions about the world, so that whatever pearls of wisdom I should discover in my time of youth, can be passed onto you like a family heirloom.

In these letters I do not wish to say that I am perfect, or that I know all there is to know about the human condition.  Instead, I think of my experiences like a treasure map for women searching, marking the scenic routes or the dead ends along the way.  I have spent a great deal of my time doing just that, recycling the hardships of my journey, into teachable direction.  And as I’m thinking of you, only in faith at the moment, I realize that by the time I have raised you up and weathered many storms, I may not have the same will to do so.  So I will tell you all that I know now, rather than waiting for a future that I am uncertain of.

Now, I know that there is no certainty for a mother, concerning who or what her child will become.  But I say for the record, it is my wish to raise you up as a woman of integrity, who loves and accepts herself in the best and worst of times.  Many of us love ourselves when we are loved by others, outwardly and for the world to see.  But what kind of love is due to the woman who is forgotten, or the one who has never been taught to embrace her inner beauty?

Olivia, if I could give you anything, I would give you eyes to see.  I would give you the wisdom to realize how precious you are way before anything noteworthy ever happens to you. The status that people use to uplift themselves and isolate others is fleeting and vain.  I cringe at the thought of how much time I have wasted, feeling defeated and in despair, thinking that my life could never measure up to the expectations to others.  It is only now that I am beginning to see the truth, that all these things, though they can be good, they don't, in anyway shape or form, define you.   Everything depends on the intent of your heart and what God, Himself, has purposed for your life.

I have two questions for you, in which you should ask yourself daily. Will you be bold and daring enough to love who you are, despite what you see all around you? And what will you do with the time that God has given you?  I suggest that you cease from searching for treasures in world, and gain a better understanding of the One who created it.  When you make your mind to set foot on your path, do me this favor.  Look for that beautiful rustic trail that is set apart for wise travelers.  It may look a little shabby, and shows sign that it is barely used, but that will surely be the path, that is just right for you.

One thing is for sure, you can never claim that your mother was never in your shoes!! I love you with all my heart.  And am praying for you, even before I have met you.

With faith and love,

Tanisha Nichole Wright