To My Unborn Child: For Your Adult Years, Concerning Your Love Life and the Dilemma of Singleness

Dear Sweet Olivia,

You must understand by now that I am writing you these letters merely in faith, during a time in my life when you are but a desire in my heart.  It may seem strange to hear that I spent almost all of my twenties feeling indifferent about mothering a child, until one year out of the blue the Lord caused me to dream of you.  In the dream I held you in my arms and I felt a deep connection that I did not understand.  I knew that it was not just a romantic notion of “mother and child” because I felt the strangest feeling, like I had known you and loved you before I had met you.  It is the very reason why I end each letter saying so.

I had another dream where you were still in my womb, and I would stand in the mirror and talk to you, myself and God.  I suppose that this is where the letters began, my speaking outwardly at first, to the only people that it concerned.  I knew your father too, but even in the dream he was still a stranger to me.  There was a guarantee on my heart that he was out there somewhere and that he would be with us, when the time was right.  But the truth is, even in my dreams, I was still waiting to meet you both.

Perhaps this is the way with God given desires, that is, to begin with the conversation in your heart and prepare you, long before He begins the work in your life.  The hardest part is holding on to that promise, while you trudge through every season longing for it.  Some seasons you feel isolated and in others you have been tested to no avail.  There are some seasons where you have become weary with sewing, but can no longer fathom the reaping.  You are just waiting, and longing and are hidden from the world.

The only thing that I have come to understand is that God has asked me to trust him.  He has asked me to remain in solitude and become strong.  If anyone tells me to go, then I should not listen.  It is only when I hear His voice that I should change course.  I am to stay on the path.

I want you to know that this has been the fight of my life, being still despite all that I see around me.  I am bombarded every day with lies and propaganda.  Sometimes society says to me, falling in love and being cherished by someone can make you happy and give you self-worth.  Other times society does not have time for love and cuts to the chase, saying that sex and titles are what I need.  There are a countless amount of subliminal messages that cloud my mind daily, claiming the supposed “dilemma” of a single person.  Everything at once is trying to force me to move, but God himself has told me to wait.

I want you to know that I get down hearted about being single more often than I would like to admit.  I sometimes think of the possibilities in the past that might have worked, if only my standards were not so high, or if I would have stuck it out, even though I knew I was settling.  But I have learned after a few sleepless nights that this is yet another trap.

My thoughts that I wish to express to you is this.  Whenever I feel discouraged in waiting, I have to go back to that which set me on the path.  There was always a desire in my heart that wanted something better than the brokenness and regrets that I saw other girls face as they blindly rushed in. I wanted to find a man that truly cared for me; I wanted to find a man as special as I believed myself to be.

I was very young when I made that decision, and the only problem was that I had made no plans for becoming whole for that special someone that I wanted to meet!  I did not realize that it was a two way street and that I had to become the type of woman that would also meet those high standards that I demanded from a man.  Those standards have nothing to do with physical looks, or larger than life personalities.  They have everything to do with understanding love and personal sacrifice for the good of another.  Things in which I never would have learned, if I did not continue on the path as God had instructed me.  Yes, the path might include a little struggle but the fruit that it produces is priceless.  And being this far into it now, I would never trade it, or dare attempt to love someone, especially you, without the knowledge that I have gained.

I have told you before that the Lord puts us on many different paths according to His will.  Some people have to learn as they go and some people have to prepare.  If God instructs you to prepare, no matter what the world tells you, do as He says.  It is for your own good.  In waiting, you have time to taste the fruits of life and to stop and smell the roses!  You have time to explore and to travel, freely and without obligation.  You have time to pursue your passions and your dreams without being apologetic.  And by the time you have done all this, you will have love and experience bursting out of your heart, for yourself and your life, to give to others that will enter there after.

But in the mean time, do not be afraid to be alone for a season or two.  If you are able to overcome your feelings of despair you will develop a sound mind.  You can learn many things about yourself.  Oh Olivia, there is a richness that is added to your life when you understand how unique and valuable you are according to God’s purpose for you.  This will teach you a healthier love for your mate when he does come, as you will learn to depend on God and not another person for happiness or self worth, thus freeing you to be more unselfish in love.

Do yourself this favor and seek not the advice of your friends, or some silly love column.  Do not even spend too much time reading Christian books on love, and help-meets or try to become anything other than what you are.  Instead be like a child.  Become friends with the Lord and have no cares in this world.  The Lord will lead you to blessing after blessing, until you stumble upon the promise.  Let this letter, as you read it, become proof to my words, as I write all of this to you, standing on His word!

One thing is for sure, you can never claim that your mother was never in your shoes!!  I love you with all my heart.  And am praying for you, even before I have met you.

With faith,

Tanisha Nichole Wright