To My Unborn Child: For Your Adult Years, Concerning The Pain That You Experience and What You Must Come to Realize

My Dearest Olivia,

God sent me this revelation and I had to hurry and write it down…   

To begin with, I need you to know that I have spent many seasons being angry at God because of the circumstances in my life.  Well, this morning one question invaded my thoughts.  It said Tanisha, it is a given that you have been struggling and wrestling with God, but your pain is clearly from distrust.  When was the moment that you stopped trusting Him?  And I answered myself in a gut wrenching wail, I stopped trusting Him when I started believing that He was the one that was causing my pain…

Can you image God with the heart of a mother, taking His child to get shots for a vaccine?  He looks upon His child with knots in His stomach knowing of what pain awaits her, but also knowing that it is what has to be done.  He knows from the beginning that the child will not understand.  He knows that a shot to Him would certainly not be as traumatic but to tiny arms, and a small mind, it could crush her world.  He knows that for the first time, the child might look to Him and feel betrayed, wondering why, a person that had always protected her, stepped aside in this instance and allowed this to happen.  He knows and is concerned about this before any action ever takes place.

And then when the child receives the shot, she is in incredible pain and discomfort.  Not only did she witness the needle driving in, but now her body is sore, and has remnants of the traumatic moment, that reoccurs, every time she tries to move away from the pain.  It hurts even, to reach out to Him.   And the Lord, He watches all these things occur knowing that this is a moment where He fights himself to remain hands off.  He can speak comfort to her and promise to never leave but He could not prevent her from feeling this pain.  Not if this pain is what will ultimately guarantee her life to come…   

I have heard so many mothers speak about the battle of that gut wrenching cry of their children vs. fighting themselves not to intervene too much and end up spoiling them.  So imagine God when He looks down upon His children and sees them fighting through their confusion, and the mistakes they have made, their self-loathing, and fantasies of escape, the shadows in their closet and the unmet expectations of their life.   Imagine God fighting Himself to not pick you up every time you demanded Him too with your tears.   Imagine Him fighting this knowing that these tears would eventually turn to anger towards Him. 

But what kind of father would He be otherwise.   What if He could not stand to make the hard choices for your life?  What if He did not have the stomach for parenthood and just yielded to your every whim, despite its leading to your demise?   What if He was not strong enough to say no today for yeses tomorrow?  What if He was not wise enough to invest in your future in this way?

And then another revelation came to me and sobered me.  Either you believe in the God of the bible and all His characteristics or you do not.  If you believe that God so loved the world that He gave His Son… then how could you deny the weight that He bares in the cost of being a Father?

And then came along another thought.  How would we know of emotions, had they not first had an origin to begin with?  Who is the expert on the pain that you feel? Who has experienced the highs and lows of the human condition since time began?  Who else but the Lord?  He surely knows the pain of rejection.  He knows about having a strong desire for a loved one’s life but instead ends up loving them through a downward spiral.  He knows the most about loving someone unconditionally.  Not as a young man loves a young woman, but like a long suffering spouse who is continually hurt and disappointed by their mate and still night after night rushes in to tend to their wounds.   And holds them in His arms when they are tired from wrestling with the consequences of their affairs. 

Oh Olivia, I constantly forget that this tight grasp that the Lord has on my life is not meant to harm me but to keep me from it.  And to keep me from squandering my spirit, which is a thing that this world cannot give but can surely take away.  I have heard my mother say many times to her grandchildren.  “You’ll just have to be mad.  Go in the room and cry then” because there was no way she would ever allow her heart and soul, the children of her own children, things that would cause them harm or lead them to destruction. 

So baby girl, when you feel like God is not listening.  When you are wondering why He has allowed bad things to happen in your life.  Or when you feel like He does not understand your pain.  Think again.  You know nothing about the sacrifices that He has made for you.  You know nothing about how His heart yearns to see that you are taken care of.  

One thing is for sure you can never claim that your mother was never in your shoes!!  I love you with all my heart.  And am praying for you, even before I have met you!!

With faith and love,

Tanisha Nichole Wright